Just checkin in.

At the Beach Bums game with Mom & Dad! And a 7th inning smooch from mom!
I think my exact words were, "What are you doin?"
I had no idea what was in the box because it was so dark out!
And then she figures it out...
Ali after her 1st "blowout" with her own hairdryer in her bathroom.
"Mom, I would like it to snow tomorrow so I can drive my snowmobile."

The Brothers Stone (are we sure they are brothers?)
Mr. Meatball
Isaac and Gilly (our new tadpole that will soon be a frog!)

Good afternoon. Right now as I click away at the kitchen table everyone, I said everyone, is asleep in this house! The stars are all aligned and something is right on because I'm not so sure that this has ever happened. It is so lovely and all I can bring myself to do is catch up on emails and reading on the Internet. Oh my goodness!

I am exhausted and tired and sleepy and wiped out. And all that is going to happen is more craziness starting a week from today. I can't believe that August is almost over and school will be starting next week. I was just looking through pictures of the kids from June and it seems as though they were last week! I finally posted the pictures of me opening my laptop on the night of our anniversary. I should have known that it was going to be big when he had the camera with him. Stinker! This little piece of equipment and I are getting along famously. I am in the process of taking the big plunge of transferring all of my music from my IPod from the old to the new. To be honest, I am a bit nervous. I am burning everything to disks and then I shall do the transfer. You would think this was some sort of monumental thing or something but I am here to tell you I am nervous! I will let you know how it goes.

We have been laying fairly low around here lately. Just livin and doin what needs to be done. It's a transition summer I think. We are slowly learning that it is going to be a lot easier to just pack up and go come next summer. Which is of hot debate as to if we are actually done with additions to this family of ours. If you were to have asked me 5 years ago where I thought that I was going to be, I don't know for sure if I would tell you that I would have 3 kids right now. If you were to ask me how I feel right now how comfortable I am with where I am at, I would tell you I am perfect! Would I like to have another baby? Absolutely. Why? Because I love being pregnant and I love everything about a newborn. But, there is a time when one needs to move on and just raise kids and not add any more. Right? I don't know. This may be something I might be able to answer once Brodie is off to school. I am either going to say, "I am so glad that I only have 3 babies." Or, I am going to say, "I should have had more." Not so sure there is a right way or a wrong. I am 97% sure, if I had to put a percentage to it, that right now I am just happy right where everything is; no more additions needed. Some people get nervous and think that that means that there is going to be some sort of shake up and all hell will break loose. But I am feeling mighty fine with all things aligned around this joint. What do we think about that?

Isaac, Ali, and I got a chance to step out and run down to the Farmer Market on Saturday morning to pick up our CSA goodies. Which P.S., rock! Anyway, I had to stop on the way to get gas and a police car pulled up to the light right by the gas station to let through a funeral procession. My son is absolutely 1,000% infatuated with police officers and firemen so I could hear him yelling to me from inside the car. And then the questions started. Now let this be a known fact, there was a time when I just let him talk and I just sat and agreed and said the occasional, yes or no. But there needs to be a little more detail lately in the reciprocation of peaked topics with Isaac. So I told him that there had been someone who died and they were going to be taking them to be buried and that's why all of the flags were on the cars. The police officer was letting them through so they could all stay together. They needed to stay together because they had lost someone they loved and they needed to be able to be around the people that loved that person just as much as them. I was very detailed and just kept answering as many questions as I could. On and on, questions, and more questions.

And then I started sobbing.

I cried so hard I couldn't even talk. It took my breath away and it stopped my heart all at once. And now that I have had a few days to really dissect it, I think I just realized I get it now. I get that I am a mother. I get that I am the teacher I always wanted to be. I get that I am the one that can make it all better now, but maybe later won't be able to do anything but just be there to listen; to guide to the best of my ability. I am going to have to teach him that when he knows someone who dies, its ok to hurt. And, its ok to cry and be horribly sad. That its ok to feel upset and that I have been there too. Explaining to him that that procession was going to bury someone was one of the biggest lessons so far that I have had to explain. And that anything above and beyond what my lifetime of answering any questions will be, will just have come as it comes. The whole moment made me realize that I am going to have to tell him when someone has died. It has made me realize that there are going to be moments where he (all of them) will be hurt and his feelings may be tramped on. But I will still remain his mom. I will remain a constant in his life for the rest of mine. And now I get it.

I called Jeb as we were pulling into the Farmers Market and told him that I needed him to calm me down. I needed to tell him what had happened and after I did, I felt so much better. I took both of them by the hands and we proceeded on our way through the pouring rain in bare feet eating purple beans and honey butter. Loading up on tomatoes and peaches and sweet corn. Letting my puffy ugly cry face get cooled off in the rain and looking down at the 2 little lives that I carried inside of me now thriving waiting for life to happen to them. I shall hang on.

I went out for a long run on Sunday morning in the cool wanna be football season late August air and I laid it all out in my mind again. It was a moment I will probably always remember. I get it. And then this mama bird ran back to her bird's nest. Successful as ever. Its nice to feel life an adult sometimes.

We are staying close to home this holiday weekend. We need to make a fire, this I know for sure. Because I have some serious s'mores to make before too long. And I may get Jeb to make a batch of peach Margarita's too. Cheers.

My love, all my love,

Cassy